Fuck this

Twitting is not enough for me. Or maybe I shouldn't even be twitting at all. All I want is for you to see, not the whole world. But I don't wanna tell you straight through whatsapp because it will means I'm waiting for a reply, and implying for a huge quarrel.

After 4 days of 8h shift, I'm exhausted. Never have I once worked so hard in my life. Never. I'm really at the edge, trying to grab on to something, trying to motivate myself or to reward myself.. I have nothing. Really.. My colleagues... I don't even know if they like working with me. Sometimes they made me feel like I'm actually hindering them. But how? I need money. My home. I have no company. At this hour, who's there to listen to my day? Who's there to listen to my wonderful story or complains that I couldn't share during work. What about all the funny encounters? Who's there to laugh with me? So what if I have 2 sisters, where are they? I do not have the normal siblings relationship. Mine is long distance. We're not that close to share our problems. My mom, 90% of the time she will nag and lecture rather than listening and comforting me. You? All of the time you'll just entertain me with that few vocabulary of yours. 'Really?', 'Very tired ah?'', 'Rest early'' things like that. Wtf man.... I need company. I need someone whom I can lie beside and do nothing with. Just rest. Rest in silence. But you'll just fall asleep. Your reason is always the same, you don't let me use this, then I sleep lo. I want to sleep, you ask me to go use things... Obviously. I need company, not your physical body. Having your body there doesn't mean I have company. I need your heart there too... Got nobody. But how? I need company..

Fucking tired. Really. You don't know how it's like to be me. Someone who's lonely since I'm born. I constantly need attention because I couldn't get it since young. I cry in school, get bullied. Who's ever there to comfort me? There are many things that led me to who I am today. You too. I know. You are the one that's constantly being showered with love because you're the only guy. That is why you don't need my attention at all. My love is redundant. My attention towards you is unnecessary. You only wanna do things your way because people will always notice you. I can't. I have to fight for it. When I fight for it, people find me annoying. So I try to be like you, just ignore, thinking that the attention will come. But people seem to be fine without me. So how? Fight or don't fight also wrong.

Why do I constantly want you to be with me? Because I feel that you're the only one who really understands me. But why are you the one who's hurting me the most. You know I need you there all the time, but you choose to go out all the time. When I get angry, you start to say that I don't give you freedom. That's just me.  But I can never go to you...... You understand me the most.. But you're not me... Say the same back to me. It's alright. I'm just a nobody. My words mean nothing, my existence is a nuisance.

Loving you was my mistake. Maybe you should just go back to N. I'm not good enough for you. Not good enough for anybody.